Last Issue:The Election

Fellow seekers, lend me your lobes and dig what I'm about to lay on you: This great, ailing, war-torn country of ours is under siege. And I'm not talking about the evil chowderheads who are blowing us up in the name of Allah or heavenly virgins or whatever. Those cats are one kind of zealot, the zealot from without. Far more dangerous to us average Americans are the zealots from within.

Ladies and Gents, Cats and Kittens, meet the far right fringe of the Christian Right. They call themselves The Dominionists, and they want the good ole U-S-of-A to be the good ole U-S-of-Jesus.

“What's wrong with Jesus?” I can hear you asking with that indignant brow arching like crazy. “He was the Prince of Peace, which is exactly what we need right about now, in case you haven't noticed.” Hey, I'm not exactly a true believer, but I would not begin to dispute the fact that 'The Naz,' as Lord Buckley used to call Him, was a righteous dude. Even the staunchest atheists -- a group to which I have, on occasion, been accused of belonging -- would have to admit the historic Jesus was a pretty good role model. But two thousand years and change later, in a so-called democracy filled with more varieties of people than Judy Garland had pills, do we want Christianity to replace our government?

“Oh please,” I can hear you of little faith whining, “this is all just another typical over-the-top liberal conspiracy theory.” Oh really? All right: In the interests of journalistic precision (or at least some sort of “blog” integrity) I will defer to the words of one of the most popular ministers currently preaching in America, D. James Kennedy -- co-founder of the Moral Majority, unofficial advisor to George W. Bush, and powerful political strategist for the far right. “Our job is to reclaim America for Christ, whatever the cost,” Kennedy said in February of 2005, according to the National Affairs desk at ROLLING STONE. “As the vice regents of God, we are to exercise godly dominion and influence over our neighborhoods, our schools, our government, our literature and arts, our sports arenas, our entertainment media, our news media, our scientific endeavors -- in short over every aspect and institution of human society.”

Okay, look: Aside from the fact that these guys want to eliminate public schools and execute gays, the scariest part of this tirade is that Kennedy slipped in that subtle little dangling participle in the last sentence. Take a closer look. Think about it. These people don't just want to convert every last citizen in America, they want to control all “human society.” Is it me, or can you smell the bitter, stinking reek of the Crusades? Jesus Christ! Oops, sorry...didn't mean to blaspheme there, but come to think of it, I'll bet even Jesus would be appalled. “Holy Me!” I can hear him exclaiming, scratching his gorgeous mullet of a hair-do.

Which brings me ultimately to the perfect antidote for this disease called Dominionism: Kris Kristofferson. I will conclude with the lyrics of his great agnostic anthem: “Jesus Was a Capricorn,” and send my blessings out to everybody -- even that lunatic D. James Kennedy -- in hopes that somehow, someday, Kristoffersonian reason will prevail:

“Jesus was a Capricorn
He ate organic food
He believed in love and peace
And never wore no shoes
Long hair, beard and sandals
And a funky bunch of friends
Reckon we'd just nail him up
If he came down again”